"What a Day"

HERE'S AN A  ORIGINAL SHORT STORY:

“What a Day” by: PHardge




I was walking on my way to the café. She was walking directly towards me, but with her face looking down.

“Hold your head up.” I thought.

She looked so fine with her model like physique and her Serena Williams assets. We were walking closer and closer in each other’s direction. I knew in my mind I was going to say something to her, but I didn’t know exactly what. I slowed down to a stop and pretended to check my phone. She walked closer and closer and then I said in my deepest voice,

“Hey Sam.”

“Oh hi Kenny, I saw you last night at the party getting down, are you okay from that fall on your face?” she said..

As I was about to utter my first words I felt something. Something so slimy that dropped on my head. I hunched my shoulders and ducked, but it was too late.

“Yuck! Oh My God! A bird just pooped on your head, I have to go that is so disgusting.” Sam said.

I was so embarrassed. This is was almost like a typical day for me, but it was different. I’ve always had bad luck in my life. My name is Kenny, a sophomore Chemistry major from Mobile, Alabama. I attend the greatest HBCU in the land-Hampton University. I’m kind of an outgoing individual and a party person.

“Go, Go, Go, Go” People at the party said.

Kenny did a break dance and tripped over his own feet and fell on his face.

I’ve had only one girlfriend ever and that was when I was a freshman in high school. That girl dumped me after I accidentally mistaken her mom for her and tried to have phone sex.

“Baby I’m going in. O it feels so good, you feel me?” Kenny said.

“Kenny”?! Ex girlfriend mom said.

“Yea baby call my name”. Kenny said.

“This isn’t Charlene, this is her MOTHER! CHARLENE”! Ex girlfriend said.

“Mrs. Dional…”? Kenny said.



So as you could see in the past my luck wasn’t always great, but today for some reason the laws of nature turned my luck around.

“Wait Sam, I have something to tell you.”

“Tell me later, I have to go because I feel like I am about to hurl!” Sam said.

The slimy poop started to run down towards my face stinging my mouth. I nearly felt like vomiting at that point. The quite atrocious smell began piercing my nose until it felt like I was bleeding. I started walking towards the administration building to go and use its restroom. While walking, I was tempted to wipe my face, but then the thought of spreading the sticky, slimy, hot poop on my face made me resist that dreadful decision. I started feeling some of the poop on the edge of hitting my eye, so I closed my poppie eye and left my good eye open. I started speed walking to the administration building only to discover while pulling on the doors, the doors weren’t opening.

“Great, on the day I really need to get inside of the administration building, the doors are locked.” I yelled.

I pulled and I yanked on the door while kicking the door simultaneously.

“This is unbelievable.” I thought.

Then all of sudden, I heard sirens and seen blue lights flashing. I turned around and it was HUPD staring in my face pointing a taser gun.

“Put your hands up, Sir!” The cop said.

“I have an emergency officer, could you please help me?!”

“Sir, please I’m not going to ask you again… Put your hands up now!”

“Don’t you see that I have something on my face and my mouth…I’m dying here from inhaling and digesting too much bird poop!”

I felt like vomiting and I did.

“Sir, I said put your hands up!” The cop ran up to me.

“Awww!!! Don’t tase me bro. I’m surrendering!”

A crowd began to gather. The cop came to snap handcuffs on my arms.

“10, 4 I got student who looks to have the swine flu!” The cop said on his walkie talkie.

“Wait, you can’t arrest me! And I don’t have swine flu man!” I said.

“What are the fluids running down your face?” The cop asked.

“ A bird pooped on my head.” I whispered.

“Sir I didn’t hear that could you please repeat that?” The cop asked.

“A BIRD OUT OF NO WHERE SHITTED ON MY HEAD!” I said.

“Okay Sir, I don’t have time for your jokes, I’m taking you down to the quarantine center. You need immediate attention for this” The cop said.

“Wait, DO YOU HAVE TO HAVE ME IN HANDCUFFS?!” I asked.

I was resisting arrest while trying to talk with bird poop falling in mouth and all I was hearing during this entire time is laughter by everyone including the cop that arrested me.

“What’s that in your eye man?” One random student said.

The fat cop sat me in the back of his beetle bug car like I was some criminal.

“Sir I’ve got you in handcuffs because you were vandalizing the administration building! I saw you kicking the door multiple times!”

“What the hell, but YOU TASE ME FOR NO DAMN REASON…boy, wait until I get out of these handcuffs.” I said.

“Sir, under your medical condition I’m going to assume you not thinking clearly. The swine flu has you talking real stupid. I’m going to disregard that last comment which sounded like you were threatening me” The fat cop police said.



For the last time, I don’t have the swine flu.” All I wanted to do at this point was beat the crap out of the police officer.

“Ok that’s fine Sir, I’m taking you down to the precinct if you don’t have the swine flu.” The cop said.

“ This fake ass rent a cop is hilarious. He’s referring to HU small police office as a dang precinct.” I thought.

Then we were turning off of campus.

“Wait, where are you taking me?”

“To Hampton’s precinct, Sir I already told you, if you don’t have the swine flu; I am taking you down to the precinct. Perhaps next time you should keep your mouth close and let me assume. You know I was showing a little compassion to you because I felt sorry for you, but no you want be a badass so now I’m going to take you where the badass people go!” The cop said.

“Wait, hold up, hold on now this over the top! This isn’t necessary! Why do I need to go to the police precinct? Can we talk about this?! Ok, see what had happened...” I said.

“Sir, please save it for when you talk to the big boys.”

Next thing you know I’m explaining to a hook headed officer my situation with semi dry poop resting in my head and on the side of my mouth, but at least this officer was a lot more sincere but really country southern, nevertheless he was someone I could relate to. He even washed off the dry poop that was on my head and face. They really wanted to keep me handcuffed for safety precautions. I still owed the fat bastard that arrested me an ass kicking.

“Almond Joy let me understand this correctly, you were trying to talk to a girl with tennis player Serena William’s assets because ya liked her and ya wanted to get down and do the boogie oggie oggie with her, and then a little NASTY bird pooped all on ya cute head, so then ya proceeded to a building that you presumed to be open, and ya STRONG FIRM arms pulled, and yanked the door while your STRONG FIRM PERFECT legs kicked the door several times hoping that it would just open, so you could wash that filthy poo poo off ya.” The police officer said.

“Uh Yea, but don’t you forget the most important part, I was TASERED, my brother, Officer this was a situation blown way out of proportion. I have rights you know. That fat bastard out there needs a taste of his own medicine.” I said.

“Oh I hear ya… but has anyone ever told you, you look like Will Smith, you are so freaking sexy boy.”

“Now, I don’t think you heard me officer. I was tasered man! T-A-S-ERD! I was screaming like a sissy man in front of everybody. He tasered me, for what? Kicking and scratching at a door that should have been opened in the first place. HE NEEDS TO BE OUT OF A JOB.”

“I’m gonna cut ya a break. I’m going to remove the handcuffs off ya.” The officer said.

I felt so free at that point.

“How about ya get on my back and ride me like a cowboy. I mean really ride me and I won’t fine ya for resisting arrest and vandalism.”

“Wait, fine me?” I thought.

“Man, this was ridiculous.” I kept thinking.

I was not about to ride a grown mans back like I was some seven year old, but I kept thinking I couldn’t afford the fine nor had time to sit behind bars, so I did the unthinkable. He got down on his hands and knees and I began to shake my head as I raised one leg up and over after the other and sat on his back.

“Now hold on cowboy, I’m about to take ya for the ride of your life!”

“What the hell!” I thought.

He took me in circles around the interrogation room yelling “Yeehah!!!” over and over again. For some reason the awkward moment wasn’t as bad as thought it would be. After that the cop dropped the fines and arrest.

“Well now ya can consider your problem taken care of.” The police officer said.

“Hmm Thanks a lot” I said.

“Oh any time. Any time.” The police officer (Deeper voice) said.

“Okay I’ll keep that in mind.” I said.

“Do ya need a ride back to school?”

Now I normally would hitch a ride back to school, but he made me feel so unmanly.

“Thanks, but I really need to walk off that piggy back ride you gave”.

I used my walking time to actually write a letter to Sam to let her know how I felt about her. (Kenny writes on his hands.) Then I began to hear thunder.

“No. No. Please.” I thought.

All I kept thinking about was Sam. How could I talk to Sam? The rain started pouring hard, so I started running. I ran to the nearest shed, which was conveniently located by a pay phone. I needed to talk to Sam, so I had to call. I only had 35 cents to make the call, so I had to be quick.

“C’mon pick up.”

“Hello?”

“ Hey Sam, its Kenny…hey I have to be quick because I don’t have much time.”

“Wait, Kenny I already know what you’re going to say.”

“Really, you do?”

“No” Sam laughing.

“You play too much. But no seriously, I’ve had this crazy crush on you since the first day I saw you at that party. I have been thinking about you all day wondering how I could impress the most beautiful girl at Hampton, so now I’m asking would go out on a date with me…”

“Wait, Kenny I’m so sorry I didn’t hear anything you said, you were breaking up?” Sam said.

“ Are you freaking for real?” I thought.

“No I heard you boy, I was just kidding, and I would love to go on a date with you.”

“Okay cool! I…” I said.

Then the operator came on and told me that I had no more minutes and the phone call was being disconnected, but little did I know this phone call would be the icing to my day, what a great day.